What triggered my flashback?
Recently, I went to my girls’ elementary school for parent-teacher meetings.
Daughter No. 4 (first grade) took part in a live teaching demonstration.
During the middle of the class demo, one student raised his hand and vigorously wiggled it to get the teacher’s attention.
He said he needed to use the restroom and was told to go.
Something about that kid’s beet red face indicated there was more to his request.
Then, it all became clear.
He stood up.
And there it was: a large dark spot in a certain region of his jeans.
Luckily he was in the last row and only parents could see the evidence.
That poor pissy-pants kiddo.
The situation was discreetly taken care of.
I can sympathize with him. Let me take you back in time…
Bathroom Accident Story circa 1988
Yes, I have endured the embarrassment of a bathroom accident at school as well.
However, there are some subtle differences between this kid and my own experience.
Foremost, I was a wee bit older than this first grader.
Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I was in the fifth grade.
I peed my pants in the fifth grade.
At the sure-as-hell-should’ve-known-better, double digits, age of TEN-years-old.
Questions Commonly Asked By Nobody Ever:
(1) How does a 10-year-old have a bathroom accident?
One possible answer:
I was born with a condition that causes bladder control problems.
I’ll have you know a weak bladder is no laughing matter; it’s a serious condition affecting millions of people.
But in my case, that’s total bullshit.
It was my turn for computer time that morning, and I wasn’t willing to miss a moment of it. I paid a hefty price for my technology greed.
(2) What did you do after you peed yourself?
One possible answer:
I quietly fessed up to my teacher, went to the nurse’s office, called home, and asked my mom to bring me a change of clothes.
That might have been a sensible person’s response to my situation.
I lied my pissed pants off.
After the first-period bell rang, I walked right past my teacher in the hallway only pausing long enough to tell her that someone had pushed me into a puddle at the bus stop that morning. Then I scurried as fast as someone with really wet pants can hurry off to class.
Yes, on that very beautiful, not a cloud in the sky day, a random asshole had pushed innocent me into a puddle. A puddle that apparently all of the neighborhood dogs had been relieving themselves in because I reeked of urine.
Bathroom Accident BFF
So, to that first grader, I say, “Hey, pee happens!”
That’s why when he returned to the classroom, I averted my eyes.
That’s why if someone had asked me if he had peed his pants, I would’ve told them,
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Hey, look outside! Is that a puddle?”