I took the kids to Glendale beach yesterday.
For those of you unfamiliar with Glendale, it’s a PA state park with a free public swim area.
You know those nice white sandy beaches with beautiful blue water?
Yeah, those are nice.
Glendale IS NOT like that.
Envision this: an overgrown grassy weed layout area, slippery cement, murky brown lake water, and for that extra special something, sprinkle geese excrement in the grass and along the shoreline—now that’s Glendale beach.
Can you believe this place is FREE?!
Oh, there’s a bonus feature to this location: women testing the stretch capacity of their swimwear’s spandex.
My job at the beach was to make sure all of the kids continue to breath air.
As vigilant as I was, I have to admit I occasionally lost focus.
Out of the corner of my eye, something would catch my attention: flesh.
I was lucky to recognize it as flesh, as it was often covered in—and I use this term loosely—designs. Glendale’s beach going population has interesting taste in tattoos.
Side note disclosure: I do have a couple of tattoos (that I now regret getting). I’ll have to write another post devoted to how I plan on deterring my ladies from getting any tattoos.
My “Oh you want a tattoo” plan is similar to how I am going to keep my girls from twerking or making money on the pole. Embarrassing for all involved, but perhaps the very definition of tough mama love.
Back to Glendale’s swimwear:
One woman had a large cross on her calf area surrounded by falling autumn leaves. I had no idea God’s favorite season is fall.
At the risk of sounding like a completely judgmental jerk, I am going to make an observation about the women who come to Glendale beach:
Most are gross and can not possibly own a mirror.
Some of the women were wearing swimwear from a time in their life when they were many sizes smaller; or maybe they were desperate and borrowed swimwear from smaller females.
Yesterday, I saw spandex tested to its limits!
Fortunately, spandex is one tough bitch of a fiber.
Here is one swimwear test that I witnessed:
A woman was in the water doing the Mommy is a tugboat pulling my little one in the water move. Kids love that crap.
This tugboat was apparently encountering choppy currents; A LOT of up and down movements ensued.
I’m guessing that this woman was a D cup wearing maybe a B cup bikini top.
At least 76.98% of her chest was exposed, and she was jumping—repeatedly.
I have not seen that much bouncing action since I worked the bouncy house filled to capacity with toddlers at last year’s church picnic.
Really can’t blame guys for staring! Even I was transfixed by the bouncing.
I thought: WOW! I wonder how this is going to go. I’d better watch.
I’m happy to report that there were no swimwear wardrobe malfunctions yesterday.
I suspect it’s only a matter of time.
Poor, poor spandex. And my eyes.
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