Holiday Letter Tip: Start With a Bang!
Season’s Greetings Friends & Family! My Colon is Spectacular!
Snowflakes are falling, a gigantic tree is in my house, my jeans are all mysteriously shrinking, and holiday greetings are filling my mailbox.
Yep. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
I want to talk about the holiday letter updates that some people send out at the end of the year. My first encounter with the holiday letter came this time last year. Surprisingly, the letter was from people whom I have never met.*
This holiday letter started with the typical seasonal greeting to their friends and family. Fact: Our family is not actually part of either of those groups.
That thing was a tremendous failure in holiday letter etiquette in every way possible; but, it was far from boring.
The holiday letter became hilarious reading material for our family gatherings.
I would pull that multi-page, single-spaced atrocity of a correspondence out and entertain guests with a spirited reading. Comedic gold that didn’t even need the help of an adult beverage to get a laugh.
Highlights, more appropriately low lights, of the holiday letter –
Most informative was notification that the husband had his first colonoscopy. Thank goodness is was all clear!
Pictures. So many graphic pictures.
of all of the family’s new tattoo art — all over their bodies
them dressed up as as zombies — not sure it was for Halloween
the couple’s two teenage daughters — in bikinis at the beach
This family’s enthusiastic disclosure to perfect strangers, and to be honest the amount of laughter that it caused, made me think about what other information people might over share in a holiday letter.
9 Inappropriate Yet Interesting Holiday Letter Updates
(1) Thrilled that family member got probation instead of jail time
(2) Child (age 10+) is no longer a bed wetter
(3) Daughter’s first menstruation
(4) Child got their best report card ever – Straight D’s
(5) Your new crop of marijuana plants are really taking off
(6) Husband’s rash down there is finally clearing up thanks to new experimental cream.
(7) Daughter landed her first dancing job. At a strip club. But don’t worry. This place is a class act. They don’t require their employees to perform extras.
(8) Got a new tattoo to cover up an ex-lovers name.
(9) Just adopted another house cat. You already have 10 feline babies.
(10) Cosmetic enhancement surgery with graphic descriptions such as enormous, supple, or moist.
Most people omit the not so glamorous moments in their holiday letter and brag (humble or flat out) about their accomplishments.
But let’s face it. That’s boring. And we all know that you are exaggerating. So go ahead and share your more interesting events and give us all a good laugh. We will respond by avoiding all eye contact the next time that we see you.
Holiday Letter Tip: End on a cheerful personal note.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year. . . and of course a squeaky clean colon.
I’d love to hear about the most outrageous holiday letter you’ve ever received!
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*I have never met these people. My Husband met them — once. If I actually knew or possibly might encounter these people, even if I couldn’t stand them, I would not make fun of their holiday letter. I don’t have the letter any more. I cannot even remember their names. However, their pictures occasionally haunt my nightmares. Hard to forgot that shit.